Wednesday 6 July 2011
A letter from Hell
I know I have to do it for financial reasons, be in Hull for the next year or so, but it doesn't make it any easier. The longer I'm here, the smaller the city feels and the grimier and more foreign the accent grows. I have a job and I should be grateful. In spats I am, but most of the time I am too exhausted from the amount of time I spend there on my feet sell, sell, selling for pretty much minimum wage to even speak to anyone else, let alone go to the gym or have a social life. It's only been a few days, but I have a doomed feeling about my future here in Hull. I am losing the ability to remain positive about living in a house that regularly sleeps six others. I miss my own space so much that I itch for a cigarette, a habit I quit doing on a daily basis over 18 months ago, whenever I allow myself to remember that it has well and truly gone. Being allowed the opportunity to live here so cheaply is a very generous of my Mum and it is good to be nearer family, but I miss my own life. I barely feel alive.
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Been there, many times (via differentiated circumstances) - I also suffer from heavy depression (as I have for 42 years).
ReplyDeleteIf you can, try to take small, daily steps towards achieving a larger, 'free of your current bulls**t' goal - whatever it is. Those of us who make it don't give up, though oppression is daily (whether it comes from within us or others).
Some days it's incredibly hard, but I promise you, if you keep at it, things will get better, if you let it.
If you suffer physical symptoms of depression. . . two suggesions:
When I get migraines, I rub lavender oil on my temples (it works, for me, anyway). When I feel like I'm going to explode, I take Valerian Root, an anti-caffeine/mellowing herb: this is a functional, on-the-job fix, which has saved many lives, lol. Both of these non-pharmacuetiacal suggestions are over the counter and relatively inexpensive in the States; I don't know about their availability in the UK.
Obviously, you'll want to research this stuff before using it, but, again, it's a suggestion.
Don't give up, keep active.
Thanks so much for this Steve, it's filled me with hope and reassurance that I am not alone! :) Today has been a much better day, and you're right- I need to take it a day at a time and concentrate on that long term goal.
ReplyDeleteI must see if I can find Valerian Root- it sounds like I am dyer need of it!
:) Thanks for making me feel human again.