The writing blog of James Christopher Sheppard. I am a 26 year old gay male from London, UK. Here I present my experiences, poems, thoughts and opinions...

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Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Sore Throat

By James Christopher Sheppard

I’m so sick of talking
of writing and verbalising
screaming and shouting
just to explain myself to you.

I want to take pictures
and draw and paint
put together collages of images
to fill my empty days.

Brain disengaged in a way
but awakened to
sounds and sights that fill with delight
the space that once was words.

I want to want
to study and live and love and learn
and I do
yet I don’t hold the reigns tight enough.

I want to learn to relax
and to dance when asked
and to stand at the bar with confidence
and to not feel awkward as I walk through the room.

So it turns out I should have chosen a different path
or perhaps stuck to the original,
but I am not one to pick and stick
if not completely convinced.

I’m so sick of waiting
for something to grab me
and throw me onto the conveyer belt of dreams
and for life to finally begin.


It had been quite sometime since my last update, yet when I tried, all I could put together was this. So yes, in a nutshell, feeling like my degree is pretty much worthless in the sense of getting a decent job in the now as a writer. I keep looking at fellow Kingston University students online portfolios and archives and am blown away. The students that seem to be getting somewhere are the journalism students. Us creative writers alone, don't seem to be half as up on what they are up on. I'm now thinking I should have studied Creative Writing and Journalism instead of English Literature, but we can't change that now. I did love my course, I just hadn't given much thought to the technicalities of employment afterwards. Of course I can chase the freelancer dream, but as we were told in class, you have to have a day job for several years before you can have any hope of living off what you make as a freelance writer. 

Even as a freelance writer, I am barely trained, compared to the journalism students. Their sites are professional and concise, where mine is amateurish. I feel disengaged with writing about myself and what's happening in my life at the moment as I am pretty deflated by it all. As the poem depicts, I am sick of words and trying to piece things together. What I want is to just feel free, and even though I am, I don't posses the ability to embrace that. I don't know, I wrote a poem because it's hard to explain.