The writing blog of James Christopher Sheppard. I am a 26 year old gay male from London, UK. Here I present my experiences, poems, thoughts and opinions...

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Monday, 6 December 2010

Unfortunate Fantasies

            Tomorrow I am going to see Patrick Wolf perform live at the Bloomsbury Ballroom! It will be the seventh time I have seen him. The first time was at Reading festival 2007 and from then the infatuation grew. I have even had very memorable dreams where Patrick and I are involved in a passionate romantic affair. While I’m not sure it’s wise for me to share such information, I find it quite amusing. Back in the summer of 2007 I had such a vivid dream where Patrick Wolf and I were so in lust with each other that I found myself longing for him for several days afterwards and obsessively listening to all of the albums he had released by that time.  Sadly, that was one of the last times that I experienced any sense of romantic feeling for anyone else, and to add insult to injury, he is a musician and it was purely fantastical.

            In gay land, in other words what is expected of me as a gay man, I seem to be a failure in the sense of romance and having a love life altogether. I’m often bombarded with questions from other gay men about how my love life is and ‘are you getting any action?’ I can't think what possessed them to ask such questions and what kind of answer they expect to get. Surely if I had found a love interest and things were going well I’d have mentioned it? Or you would imagine they would have noticed some sort of change in behaviour. But no, nothing seems to spark the questioning off other than apparent curiosity. Following my consistent disinterested response, they then take on a regretful, apologetic tone. Don’t be fooled however, this is not a tone of being sorry for dragging up such a mundane conversation stopper; this is their response to my ‘No, no, still single.’ They then proceed to try and council me as to why I am single. I cannot fathom why it is so immensely difficult for some people to understand that some of us are quite content in being single. They then ask ‘well wouldn’t you like to meet someone?’

            The thing I struggle with understanding the most are serial daters; people that have a total inability to be by themselves for any lengthy duration of time. Of course, it would be wonderful for all of us to meet someone we deem as amazingly intelligent, interesting and attractive and who feels the same way about us, but let’s face it, that actually very very rarely happens. I constantly witness forced relationships, where they are quite clearly doomed from the start. From my own experience, I have only witnessed a handful of loving committed relationships that have stood the test of time and I obviously can’t pretend to really know just how happy the two individuals really are. Adultery and divorce seem to be less surprising in today’s society than a lasting, visibly happy relationship. Perhaps this is the way it has always been, but in the past it was impossible to divorce and sex before marriage was harshly frowned upon.

            As I look to the future, I don’t envision myself in a relationship with anyone. I like to think I will one day find someone that I am attracted to that is attracted to me (both mentally and phycially), but these things are out of our control. People tell me I won’t find anyone if I don’t go out into London’s bustling gay scene regularly, but I cannot imagine realistically meeting  someone I could form a serious bond with in an alcohol fuelled, dark, loud, heaving environment. I am 26 now. I am happy in my 26 year old self, but I feel my days of heavy nights out are probably behind me. Every now and again I like to go out and go crazy, but for the majority of the time, give me a cocktail bar and get me home by midnight, thanks very much! Coming to university at 23 I think has held me up in meeting potential partners. Despite the age gap generally only being five years, I have discovered that we are completely different places. 21 year olds are all about sex. They want sex whenever they can potentially get sex, especially if they are gay and male, maybe because it’s so much easier. Another thing people don’t seem to grasp- I could get laid if I was desperate, I do get offers from all kinds of random places and people, but random sex just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. It’s boring and leaves me feeling unfulfilled, used and dirty.

            In reference to my previous blog, the snow thawed at the weekend, even though it is now back to below freezing, and my leg appears to be healed. I’m having quite an unusual December at the moment as my money has run out and I am due to be paid next from my part time receptionist job at Clayhill halls of residence on Wednesday 22nd December! This means I have bought NO Christmas presents yet. Originally I thought we were going to be paid on Friday 17th which would allow me to attend the staff Christmas meal that Friday, buy all the presents I need on the Monday and Tuesday, get them wrapped and then have a few days before Christmas to see my friends in my hometown of East Grinstead. I am then scheduled to work 7am to 7pm on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Now, however, I cannot attend the staff Christmas meal, can’t see friends on the Monday or Tuesday as I will still have no funds, do all my Christmas shopping on the 22nd and 23rd and then have Christmas Eve at my disposal! What a nightmare! I have even had several dreams where I have awoken on Christmas Day and to my horror failed to get presents for anyone! I cannot imagine anything worse than not being able to give my friends and family gifts at Christmas. It is really playing on my mind how unprepared I am and how out of my control the whole situation is.

Until next time! If you wish to leave any feedback, please utilize the comments facility provided here. All comments to this blog have so far been so kind and encouraging, so thank you all!

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